"and the loves???"

"what of the loves? tell us of the loves"


oh, the loves. they might be here or there. i know there are a few attempts milling about, but none of them seem to be anything i want. i just want to laugh, and kiss, have adventures, and collect memories that we capture in those digital spaces inside our camera. i want to wear boy jeans and watch football. i want it to really be fun.

but thus far, from boy to boy there have only been brief flashes of something i might allow to be loosely categorized as fun.

i hate dates. i can't stand the stress of preparing fro them, and then the fictional entertainment. and more than anything else, i hate having to pretend to like someone i wish would burst into flames or disintegrate into thin air, while also praying that they are adoring me. of course if the moment comes that they do in fact have a certain level of adoration for me, i am revolted by the very thought of them, and if they don't- i believe they should rot in some bad man landfill in death valley.

now those brave enough to ask for some date filled with the promise of a good time, are met with the simple impersonal fact that i just don't do that. "that's nice of you, but i don't date." it is assumed that they hear those words, in that those are the words that collide with their eardrums, but but somehow something gets lost in the translation. the "don't" goes in, but all that registers in their mind is a challenge. they can't get over the urge to convince that such a policy on dating is wrong. they try and say that they aren't asking for dates, not looking for any wifey, "just want to have...fun." but in the same way that "talking leads to touching and touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left," "let's just have a casual drink" turns into "let's grab a quick bite," then "let's do this again," and all of the sudden we've been out five times and i'm looking across the table from you pretending to be interested in what we're talking about while the only thing running laps in my mind is fact that now that i know you i truly can't stand you.

so there is no love, only expensive outfits for marginal dinners, the replacement of awkward moments for a world of unknown possibilities, and the harsh forced smiles which cover the disappointment of having gotten to know someone and in that completely lost interest in them.

so for now i will stick to kissing boys i don't really know and avoiding the threat of anything more like our nation has begun avoiding the swine who carry flues.