i'm letting go of boys- pushing myself away from the table, i'm full- i've had enough. enough drama, enough energy i let go and never saw returned, enough boredom. i'm not satisfied, just getting fat, fat with dissatisfaction actually.

so i would like to be excused from the table. of course i might take desert, if i can have it served in my room. sex, yes please, a double scoop maybe, but only from a real man- no boy. no boy who talks about the houses we'll live in, or the babies we'll have. with those words boys have soured my appetite. it's pavlovian really. a response i am now rather appreciative of.

boys, they say such things and i can hear the countdown to their disappearance begin. Boys, darlings, you know in this moment, when my pants are already off, you shouldn't keep talking! you're only setting us both up for your failure. and this isn't bitterness, this is truth, unbiased and well documented. so boys, you need not apply. i am only accepting applications for new flavors which include the adjectives: motivated, matured, established, confident, and most obviously: educated, hilarious, and adventurous. and i think this time i want to try gorgeous- you know something new and different.

until then though, i will be fasting!

my fake engagement has me thinking about a real wedding....

once wed

once wed

once wed

martha stewart weddings

martha stewart weddings

 

 

 

once wed

the one he let get away...

before and afters

to the before:
    sometimes i want to call you, to hear the way you love me. it isn't beautiful or true, but it's predictable and reliable in its own dirty way. real relationships are trying and terrifying, you were simple. have a drink and tell me you love me. it never could have been enough, but every now and then when he, who is attempting to give more than you could, momentarily falls short; when his goodness disappoints me, i want to find you.

    i understand you for what you were able to give me. it wasn't satisfaction, but for what it was, it was never vague. it was cowardly and carnal, and so surface. but for me, it became a safety net, full of holes, but always there waiting for me to slip and fall again.

     he, the new guy, the good guy, the guy paying for your mistake- he missed a call and suddenly i realize the thin wire i am teetering on. i want to fall, to relax every muscle and collapse into your bad decision. but i know better. your threads are worn bare, holes are gaping and eventually you'll fall apart and i'll be left hurt again.

    maybe i miss you because i don't know any better, but i still refuse to stop learning how to stay balanced.



to the after:
     maybe it's nothing. maybe you got caught up in family dinner, or fell asleep, or had a falling out with your phone. but i have broken nerves- overly sensitive and ready to expect the worst. it isn't fair to you, but the truth is, you're paying for every wrong i've had done to me. you are getting punished for the actions of ghosts, and i am sorry for that but it's our reality.

       still, i don't like the way this looks. the path that has just opened up doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. you don't call me back, a text goes unreturned, and then it's a few days till we're alone together and you're telling me you've said from the beginning that we were only ever destined for friendship, that we don't owe each other anything. i've seen this before- i know the course of the decline and i will acknowledge the subtleties of attempting a separation. but i will tell you right now that i hate being back here again.
 
        say what you will tomorrow- the reality is that the ball of doubt and decline has already started rolling. the ghosts are taunting me and all i can think to do is admit i got caught up in something i only convinced myself i felt. the fear will harden, and i will try to stay a step ahead of you so that you won't get the glory of hurting me. i will shut the doors leading to my heart and protect the few pieces that haven't been broken yet.

   

write free. live free.

nashville here i come!

i am bouncing off the walls with excitement over getting to go to nashville next week! i get to go to the nD festival! four days of indie film, indie fashion and indie music glory!! plus, and this is potentially what i am very most excited about is the chance to see imogene+willie in person and for my self!!

when i grow up, i want to be imogene+willie cool...






it may be "a crazy town full of neon dreams,
everybody plays, everybody sings,
hollywood with a touch of twang," but i can't wait to get there and see it all for myself!

today i must...

please

it's too hot for nine four

i know that we're always complaining about misguided weather...it's too cool for june and too hot for september. we always want what we can't have right? well in the spirit of consistancy...

ninety five is too hot for september! i want it to cool down so i wear gorgeous outfits like this...


but there i go again desiring the intangible, but instead of longing for crisp cool days, i am craving these miu miu platforms and the cherry blossom girl's perfectly worn in jeans!

his song for my a.m.

always thought i was a novelty little creature,
nobody warns you that the death of hope won't feature
any sort of big event
to mark its significance

after we finish ourselves off, we ain't leaving
it's good to go down with an old friend believing
you better bet, we're gonna tie one on tonight
you never left even though you'd said that you might
i come back here to remember what it was like



only dostoevsky would dream up a pair like us

thick skinned, hard headed, better off
you're closing every valve to your bleeding heart
does it hurt too much?
are you just fed up?
or is it something else entirely?

when i ask you why
you reply the death of hope hit you hard too

only dostoevsky could kill of a pair like us

you better bet we're gonna drown every doubt
the half of us that's got the other half figured out
no good deed goes unpunished around here

you better bet we're gonna tie on on tonight
you never left even though you'd said that you might

i came back here to remember what we were like

ha ha tonka

true afflection, you're out of my league

i was out of your league
and you were 20,000 underneath the sea
waiving affections
you were out of my league
at a distance that i didn't wanna see
down at the bottom

i wanted a junction and often there was one
you'd surface face first and we'd share our thought bubbles
and i still believe in the phrases that we breathed
but i know the distance isn't fair to cross

i was out of your league

and you were 20,000 underneath the sea
waiving affections
you were out of my league
at a distance that i didn't wanna see
wanted you nearer

your depths made a pressure taht punctured my works and all your fluids
couldn't tolerate the force of my thirst
i love the place where we shared our tiny grace
but because it's real doesn't mean it's gonna work

i was out of your league
and you were 20,000 underneath the sea
waiving affections
you were out of my league at a distance that i didn't wanna see
wanted you nearer

and true affection floats
true affections sinks like a stone
i never felt so close
i never felt so all alone

i was out of your league
and you were 20,000 underneath the sea
waiving affections
you were out of my league
at a distance i didn't wanna see

the blow

september has come

fall is my favorite and my best. i love the chill, the layers, the colors, the smell of new notebooks, and the onset of football season. i've been rocking the countdown to kickoff for months, and now that it's right around the corner i am faced with the grand question of which school to show my pride for.

I am a Buff

but the Jackson is a former Ute football player..
















 and the utes (sorry buffs) are a slightly less frustrating team to watch! but i am supposed to bleed black and gold... well maybe until both teams share a conference and play each other, i'll stick with the utes...though that isn't being very true to my school!

a ghost used to fill my room

screaming in my ear, scaring me out of my dreams

holding cold fear above me
i thought the move would change everything,
but now it's you keeping me awake.
i can't sleep with
the ghost of you in my bed

i felt it yesterday

pressed against me as lightning cracked

my room filled with silver light 

and my heart consumed by craving

can i have her life?

in my dreams this is what my life will look like....

 head over heels via dress design decor

heartbroken, in disrepair

it is decidedly so

he consulted the magic eight ball to see if we should do it. he appologized for not being better prepared (clearly he hasn't seen the inside of an eagle's nest). but no need for concern, I was a girl scout. He said the he and i had gotten heavy somewhere along the way. I told him he had done that, and he agreed, but didn't allow that to change the fact that there was more weight behind the question he was now asking the magic eight ball.

in the morning, before he left for work, in the blue 6 am light, he surveyed the walls of my room and wished i had adorned them with more of my own work. i couldn't do anything for him in that moment, but here, now i can give him these...

a welcoming home

i feel like i have been living in transit, montana, moving, vegas. it's been great, but i am now eager to get back into the swing of reality. escape is perfection, but i lack patience for transitions. 

but the weekends away were worth these moments when i feel like i am feverishly searching for normalcy.

lucky you

Every time you get a drink
And every time you go to asleep
Are those dreams inside you head
Is there sunlight on your bed
And every time you're driving home
Way outside your safety zone
Wherever you will ever be
You're never getting rid of me

You own me
There's nothing you can do
You own me

You coulda made a safer bet
But what you break is what you get
You wake up in the bed you make
I think you made a big mistake

You own me
There's nothing you can do
You own me
You own me
Lucky you

You own me
There's nothing you can do

You clean yourself to meet
The man who isn't me
You're putting on a shirt
A shirt I'll never see
The letter's in your coat
But no one's in your head
Cause you're too smart to remember
You're too smart
Lucky you

the national

today looked like this...

we should do this every fourth of july...

i think this is how i feel...

ect...

On the road

From adventures of greatness

getting out

today i will be boulder. today i will be alone. i will drive, take 80 up towards wyoming, through cheyenne and down into colorado.

"why would you leave this weekend?"
"because a week ago i got broken up with by a broken man. this is my consolation prize to myself."

we...

(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls cause a couple of heart attacks
(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls are unusually mild
(Drunk boys)
Drunk boys keep in pace with the pedophiles
(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls are boringly wild

(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls get invitations from nations
(Drunk girls)
They got the patience of a million saints
(Drunk boys)
They steal, they steal from the cupboards
(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls like to file complaints

(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls are like a night of simplicity
(Drunk girls)
They need a lover who is smarter than me
(Drunk boys)
Drunk boys, we walk like pedestrians
(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls wait an hour to pee

(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls know that love is an astronaut
(Drunk girls)
It comes back, but it's never the same
(Drunk boys)
Drunk boys, drunk boys, drunk boys, drunk boys
(Drunk girls)
Drunk girls can be just as insane

Oh oh oh
I believe in waking up together
So oh oh
That means making eyes across the room

(Drunk girls)
Just 'cause I'm shallow doesn't mean that I'm heartless
(Drunk girls)
Just 'cause I'm heartless doesn't mean that I'm mean
(Drunk boys)
Sometimes love gives us too many options
(Drunk girls)
Just 'cause you're hungry doesn't mean that you're lean

(Drunk girls)
I've heard lies that could curdle your heartstrings
(Drunk girls)
A couple truths, maybe burn out your eyes
(Drunk boys)
Drunk boys leave their irons in the fireplace
(Drunk girls)
'Cause drunk girls give them too many tries

Drunk girls, drunk girls, drunk girls, drunk girls...

Oh oh oh
I believe in waking up together
Oh oh oh
I believe I'm waking up, but no promises
Oh oh oh
I believe in waiting out the weather
Oh oh oh
I believe in making up

The day becomes the night (x4)
Honestly, honestly, honestly
Unless it hurts, why do it?
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh

lcd soundsystem

trust