the first snow?

this feels so luxurious, to not have anywhere to be, or any reason to pull myself out of the cozy comfort of my warm bed for any longer than it takes to get a cup of coffee. all i have to do today is write, think about what kind of bench i want in my bed room, and how i am going to furnish the rest of my new apartment. i feel like a kid waiting for santa, counting down the days till my new sofa is slotted to arrive at my door. i just want it right now, i have zero patience for these sorts of things!

oui oui merci

Coco + James Wedding // Short Film from Coco Rocha on Vimeo.

never give all the heart

never give all the heart for love
will hardly seem worth thinking of
to passionate women if it seem
certain, and they never dream
that it fades out from kiss to kiss;
for everything that's lovely is
but a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
o never give the heart outright.
for they, for all smooth lips can say,
have given their hearts up to the play.
and who could play it well enough
if deaf, and dumb and blind with love?
he that made this knows all the cost,
for he gave his heart and lost.

-w.b. yeats

love's secret

never seek to tell thy love,
      love that never told can be;
for the gentle wind doth move
      silently, invisibly.

i told my love, i told my love
       i told her all my heart,
trembling, cold in ghastly fears
       ah! she did depart!

soon after she was gone from me,
       a traveler came by,
silently, invisibly
        he took her with a sigh.

-william blake

the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.

the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.

the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.

the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.

the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.

half is not whole.

but now we must make it so.

-lauren (lelove)

paris please....

flikr found

just another monotone monday...

the rain has kept the store empty all morning, leaving me in a subdued peace scanning blogs and collecting elisabeth  gilbert quotes.

but all of this solidarity also has me thinking too much about myself, where i am going, where i want to end up and how i want it to look along the way. i wish i could say that i was feel less like maleficent through all of this, but that would be a lie. today i'll blame the rain, start setting goals and making wishes.

today's wish:

more photo booths, a good matte black nail color, this little bunny, a better umbrella and maybe a new black keys album

j'adore

the dark side

queen of hearts:he doesn't strike me as a sparkle promoter"
                        even in our dark and twistedness, we still sparkle (albeit a little less gold, a bit more midnight blue)

maleficent: you are so correct, he is a sparkle thief, a non-discriminant, be it silver, gold or midnight blue sparkle annihilator!

queen of hearts: so the moral of the story is that you and i are alone on the island and anyone who wants to join us has to show that they can enhance the sparkle

maleficent: exactly! show us what you've got or show yourself to the door!
                 by the way, lady tremaine has talks of joining our stormy forces

crepuscular

i am feeling bogged down by the mundane, which is not helping my dark and twisty demeanor. so as the clouds are rolling in over the salt lake valley, preparing for tomorrow's spring snow flurries, i will embrace the darkness, look forward to sulking into a lurid bar x booth with the queen of hearts, and fill my mind with images matching the blackness of my nails and soul.


a double barrel whiskey, and tell me ooh baby do you miss me?

annie leibovitz for disney

in the spirit of spring...

new years is for new beginnings, new cravings and new restrictions. but there is something about spring that makes you want to keep those promises you made to yourself. it's as if while the trees are shaking off the last cold bits, and the grass finds itself once again facing the sun, we all want to freshen up our routines, and remind ourselves how we want to grow.

for me personally, i feel like the snow has, in the most terrifying ways, frozen my ability to write. i feel like i don't write everyday, because i don't believe that i can. facebook told me this morning that one of my high school english professors was up before the sun so that she could get 2,000 words in before she had to be at work. before her day was even out of bed she was putting words down, and i can't seem to find the time within the sixteen hours i spend awake to write even a portion of that? that seems silly.

so here, on the first day of march i will begin a pledge to myself to write something- anything- for the book or for myself, everyday.

for today- i think this is good, not only because i see this as a good beginning, but also because my favorite ginger guy is on his way over here, and i'm just too excited to make any more sense.

on my half birthday....

i am trying to remember the way i used to see things...

the bedroom i want

imogene and willie

february's grand epiphany

...regardless of how mr. s treats me in terms of calling and interacting- being with him is insanely detrimental to me, because it has in a way molded my mind into believing that he is all i am worth- that he is the best i can guarantee for myself. i am not strong enough to give so much to someone who isn't boosting me up. that last part- the boosting up part sounds terrible because it's not that he can't make a bad day better, but in the long run he really has depreciated my worth.

i was in the shower this afternoon thinking about this week's date with ferdinand, and it felt so strange to be so nervous, and to feel like so much is riding on one meeting, and then after i ran though outfit options, i got to thinking about what we might possibly talking about, and how important it is that i truly dazzle him, so that he can't go another three or four days without talking to me. the whole weight of my fear doesn't rest on him not liking me, because clearly there is something there that he does like, but almost more that instead of shattering his expectations i might disappoint him (granted this works both ways, but we're focusing on me right now!). this thought train was not on the way to my desired destination, so i had to retrace my steps and find where the tracks switched. that's when it hit me, mr. s has me really believing, in that deep dark place you rarely give words to until you are ready to let it go, that i am only good enough to satisfy a divorced carpenter hoodrat. he brought my comfort level down so low that it's insulting. i don't believe it was his fault- i doubt he maliciously did things to break me down to this point, but i give so much credit to these people that i handed him the sword without either of us knowing it.

things are so easy with mr. s, and we do get along easily and comfortably, but i think that he has in a way retarded me. i'm not growing in all the ways that i want to be. i'm not challenged in good ways, and it's comfortable because we've been here for years- well a year and a half. we know what will make each other smile, or giggle or get upset, how to listen to each other and how to be silent together but those things are easy... it's all that next step stuff, the are you making me a better person stuff, that i think shifts a good relationship into a really healthy one.

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense, or if i have the right words, but i guess the moral of the story is that i don't feel very good about myself only because i don't know how to impress someone beyond first moments (when i believe they're distracted by my hair..or my boobs... or my nose...) who is more impressive a person than mr. s... and while you know i say this with love in my heart for him...it doesn't take much to be more impressive.

you might think that i'm crazy, but you know i'm just your type

a hopeful replacement

before christmas, someone decided that the best way to spread the holiday cheer to me while i was sleeping would be to smash my car window and grab one of my most favorite bags from the backseat. what they received from this ever so rude invasion was nothing more than a whole slew of sentimentally valuable but monetarily useless tid bits of my life. and i am still remembering all that i lost that night, but have been searching for a replacement for the bag they took. it was the most perfect men's jcrew zip tote, and of course the crew isn't making a 2.0 version so i was left to find something new and different. i do believe though that my search has ended thanks to etsy and the people of moop. today i bought this beauty in gun metal grey, and i am very very excited for its arrival from PA!

thank you moop