Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
before and afters
to the before:
sometimes i want to call you, to hear the way you love me. it isn't beautiful or true, but it's predictable and reliable in its own dirty way. real relationships are trying and terrifying, you were simple. have a drink and tell me you love me. it never could have been enough, but every now and then when he, who is attempting to give more than you could, momentarily falls short; when his goodness disappoints me, i want to find you.
i understand you for what you were able to give me. it wasn't satisfaction, but for what it was, it was never vague. it was cowardly and carnal, and so surface. but for me, it became a safety net, full of holes, but always there waiting for me to slip and fall again.
he, the new guy, the good guy, the guy paying for your mistake- he missed a call and suddenly i realize the thin wire i am teetering on. i want to fall, to relax every muscle and collapse into your bad decision. but i know better. your threads are worn bare, holes are gaping and eventually you'll fall apart and i'll be left hurt again.
maybe i miss you because i don't know any better, but i still refuse to stop learning how to stay balanced.
to the after:
maybe it's nothing. maybe you got caught up in family dinner, or fell asleep, or had a falling out with your phone. but i have broken nerves- overly sensitive and ready to expect the worst. it isn't fair to you, but the truth is, you're paying for every wrong i've had done to me. you are getting punished for the actions of ghosts, and i am sorry for that but it's our reality.
still, i don't like the way this looks. the path that has just opened up doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. you don't call me back, a text goes unreturned, and then it's a few days till we're alone together and you're telling me you've said from the beginning that we were only ever destined for friendship, that we don't owe each other anything. i've seen this before- i know the course of the decline and i will acknowledge the subtleties of attempting a separation. but i will tell you right now that i hate being back here again.
say what you will tomorrow- the reality is that the ball of doubt and decline has already started rolling. the ghosts are taunting me and all i can think to do is admit i got caught up in something i only convinced myself i felt. the fear will harden, and i will try to stay a step ahead of you so that you won't get the glory of hurting me. i will shut the doors leading to my heart and protect the few pieces that haven't been broken yet.
sometimes i want to call you, to hear the way you love me. it isn't beautiful or true, but it's predictable and reliable in its own dirty way. real relationships are trying and terrifying, you were simple. have a drink and tell me you love me. it never could have been enough, but every now and then when he, who is attempting to give more than you could, momentarily falls short; when his goodness disappoints me, i want to find you.
i understand you for what you were able to give me. it wasn't satisfaction, but for what it was, it was never vague. it was cowardly and carnal, and so surface. but for me, it became a safety net, full of holes, but always there waiting for me to slip and fall again.
he, the new guy, the good guy, the guy paying for your mistake- he missed a call and suddenly i realize the thin wire i am teetering on. i want to fall, to relax every muscle and collapse into your bad decision. but i know better. your threads are worn bare, holes are gaping and eventually you'll fall apart and i'll be left hurt again.
maybe i miss you because i don't know any better, but i still refuse to stop learning how to stay balanced.
to the after:
maybe it's nothing. maybe you got caught up in family dinner, or fell asleep, or had a falling out with your phone. but i have broken nerves- overly sensitive and ready to expect the worst. it isn't fair to you, but the truth is, you're paying for every wrong i've had done to me. you are getting punished for the actions of ghosts, and i am sorry for that but it's our reality.
still, i don't like the way this looks. the path that has just opened up doesn't appeal to me in the slightest. you don't call me back, a text goes unreturned, and then it's a few days till we're alone together and you're telling me you've said from the beginning that we were only ever destined for friendship, that we don't owe each other anything. i've seen this before- i know the course of the decline and i will acknowledge the subtleties of attempting a separation. but i will tell you right now that i hate being back here again.
say what you will tomorrow- the reality is that the ball of doubt and decline has already started rolling. the ghosts are taunting me and all i can think to do is admit i got caught up in something i only convinced myself i felt. the fear will harden, and i will try to stay a step ahead of you so that you won't get the glory of hurting me. i will shut the doors leading to my heart and protect the few pieces that haven't been broken yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)