Where did they all go?

They, who?

The nice ones, those who cared.

He was sitting right next to you.

No, he just didn't want to lose me, didn't want to forget what I tasted like. He wanted to conquer, to win. But he didn't know what he was fighting for.

He's always there...

But he's never looking, only assuming. And his assumptions have started to make me cringe. I don't recognize the girl that he sees, and I can feel myself hardening.

But he, and then you...

I leave and want to curl up against a figment of my imagination

mj

eleven.twenty

this week's favorite things...

every night has its dawn

i see you all the time. i talk to you every day, and yet it doesn't feel that way. we're together, but you're worlds away. i don't like this. i want you to come back.

i can feel you next to me, but i'm all alone. i know you're broken, that there are so many pieces shattered in so many directions that you can't help but follow a routine that keeps everything around you clenched together. i understand you're holding on to a lot, just to ensure that nothing falls to shatter on cold floor boards. but i'm standing here with open arms. i am strong, and might be patient if you give me the chance.

but right now i feel like an invasion. like something you don't have space for; an unwelcome gift you can't return.

for me, this wasn't in the plan. i didn't mean for it to happen. i never could have forecasted caring for you in this way. but you opened a door and curiosity lead me through to the other side. and now here i am, in a a grey area where i can't help but pray you won't kick me out, while trying to fight back the feeling that i should leave.

it's now been days. a week exactly.

and i have said my goodbyes. quietly. when you weren't there to hear them. it might not be fair, but you have stopped trying to be there. you aren't here, and you don't seem to care to be. my pulling away is only a response to the void you have been handing me. it's the blah and the fact that you can't stand football, cars, and having sex with me.

if we had a relationship this is what our break up would look like.

happy halloween...

this must be what fate looks like...

you don't believe that this was fate? that regardless of the decisions we made, that we would have ended up here? do you really believe that every independent choice we made set us on paths that would have been there regardless? that we personally designed the course that has lead us to this moment?

what if i hadn't been in the store that day two years ago? what if you hadn't seen me or stopped me to remind me of the feelings i had for you so many years ago? what if you had actually allowed yourself to lose my email address? what if i had moved to los angeles when i was supposed to? what if i hadn't stayed in utah, so i could accept that first invitation to lunch? what if i hadn't called you when i had lost control of my decisions, and what if you hadn't found it endearing.

you did. i did. and now we do. but each of those instances held so much power, that i'm not sure only you or i could be left in charge of them.

i believe this is what fate looks like. i was fourteen when i first adored you. and now, ten years later i'm standing in front of your house, with my lips pressed against yours, and wishing you could pull me in so close that i might become a part of you. these moments are more than i could have asked for; so much more that i could never take credit for the decisions that were made to bring me here. this has to have already been laid out for us, written in the stars we saw every night for those years we lost sight of each other. i can't believe that this isn't just how we were meant to spend this time, regardless of the little decisions that came in the in between.

for me, it's too big to take credit for.

schemed me....

uck i am so completely furious with this whole finding an apartment in london debacle that all i can do is focus on not screaming at the top of my lungs and breaking down into globs and globs of tears!

ten/zero nine

this weeks favorite things...

design sponge

being shop girl, i am really lucky to get to meet some really random and usually really awesome people. and on good days this means that they broaden my this is cool shit horizons.

today was one of those great days! a cute girl came in with a really great bag, and as we got to talking thanks to that jumping off point she mentioned that she was in from out of town and had heard about our store on a blog that she follows.

"and which blog is this?" i asked excitedly...because you know me, i love the blogs!
"design sponge" she replied
"ooooo" i squealed in a poor attempt at covering my intrigue at this new bloggy treat (that sounds disgusting but i'm keeping it!)

i kindly waited until she had left the store to jump to the site...you know because it would just be rude to ignore a real person for the digital world of the interweb!

but oh golly! once i got there i obviously fell in obsession!! i quickly clicked on the city guide link and found myself in heaven....city guides for places i love, places i miss and places i can't wait to see!

salt lake was my first stop, just because i'm always interested in seeing how other people view my hometown. but on my way down the list i spotted buenos aires, charlotte nc (what what mp!!), london (my love), manhattan (if you can ever get out of the studio z), paris (mon coeur) and a whole big long list of other intriguing destinations.

oh man this makes me want to buy a massive multi-stop ticket and just take off to explore the globe according to the sponge!

but phew...i am clearly very utah hip seeing as i am very aware of the places they have highlighted. and now there is a certain level of trust! sooo on to the next destination...

shades of number four gray

he's either perfectly perfect or perfectly wrong.
he's either a genius or a fucking idiot.
i can't tell.

there is a chance that he is doing everything that i need him to be doing. it has been more than three dates and i would still consider myself captivated. the talking hasn't led to touching which hasn't lead to sex. there has been nothing. no kissing, no lingering of fingers. just two people finding comfort in each other.

we have gone out like what five times now? and it's interesting because while nothing really has happened, i'm still completely intrigued. genius. i haven't wished him to burst into flames, and i know that whatever he and i are doing, it for sure isn't just about sex. genius.

but then lay that down flip it and reverse it and we've been out five times and the most action we've seen has been two longish hugs, and one moment of huge possibility that then faded into nothingness. idiot. have you ever been out with someone so many times before any tangible affection?

there is a chance though, that this is exactly what i have been looking for. he has my attention. it feels like a challenge, which i am loving. i don't feel like he is just in it for the hook up since there has been none of that. he hasn't tried to feed me any sweet talking bullshit. he does actually follow through. and he has some qualities i am pretty into: he's fashion conscious, he's cultured, he likes to travel, he's smart and funny, he has a good job, owns his own home, loves his family and likes to drink.

but does he like me?

that is the big question. i guess he must like me at least a little bit, because he talks about the things we will do in the future, about coming to see me in london, and he calls me out of the blue, and is responsive and thoughtful. and if he really wasn't interested we wouldn't be doing things together like we are, but maybe we really are just in friendzone. which i thought i was fine with. not that it ever felt completly right, but i was willing to make it work until i really saw that there might actually be the space for something more.

wednesday, after we went and saw i hope they serve beer in hell, and we found ourselves back at his house trying to warm up after our walk there was a serious "ok this is when we should kiss" moment. it didn't materialized into such an event. but there was something there, something that made it a little bit harder for me to breathe and started me thinking about ways i might better seduce him. currently the front runners are: an arousing game of simon says ("simon says take you pants off..."), showing up and just simply taking my clothes off, and the old get him shitwrecked and let the "let's take advantage" chips fall as they may...(it worked with moose didn't it?).

as it stands right now though, it seems that he and i are dating while i am outsourcing action, and that will not do for much longer.

"and the loves???"

"what of the loves? tell us of the loves"


oh, the loves. they might be here or there. i know there are a few attempts milling about, but none of them seem to be anything i want. i just want to laugh, and kiss, have adventures, and collect memories that we capture in those digital spaces inside our camera. i want to wear boy jeans and watch football. i want it to really be fun.

but thus far, from boy to boy there have only been brief flashes of something i might allow to be loosely categorized as fun.

i hate dates. i can't stand the stress of preparing fro them, and then the fictional entertainment. and more than anything else, i hate having to pretend to like someone i wish would burst into flames or disintegrate into thin air, while also praying that they are adoring me. of course if the moment comes that they do in fact have a certain level of adoration for me, i am revolted by the very thought of them, and if they don't- i believe they should rot in some bad man landfill in death valley.

now those brave enough to ask for some date filled with the promise of a good time, are met with the simple impersonal fact that i just don't do that. "that's nice of you, but i don't date." it is assumed that they hear those words, in that those are the words that collide with their eardrums, but but somehow something gets lost in the translation. the "don't" goes in, but all that registers in their mind is a challenge. they can't get over the urge to convince that such a policy on dating is wrong. they try and say that they aren't asking for dates, not looking for any wifey, "just want to have...fun." but in the same way that "talking leads to touching and touching leads to sex and then there is no mystery left," "let's just have a casual drink" turns into "let's grab a quick bite," then "let's do this again," and all of the sudden we've been out five times and i'm looking across the table from you pretending to be interested in what we're talking about while the only thing running laps in my mind is fact that now that i know you i truly can't stand you.

so there is no love, only expensive outfits for marginal dinners, the replacement of awkward moments for a world of unknown possibilities, and the harsh forced smiles which cover the disappointment of having gotten to know someone and in that completely lost interest in them.

so for now i will stick to kissing boys i don't really know and avoiding the threat of anything more like our nation has begun avoiding the swine who carry flues.

forgive the myspace moment!

navy and gold anthropology nightgown
nameless gray grandpa cardi
vintage brown boots
j crew huge link gold bracelet










would it make you uncomfortable if i asked you what you were wearing today?

ten/ zero one

this weeks favorite things...

remember when it was October 1st and we all looked back and couldn't remember where September had gone?

or August for that matter...

trick or treat

i believe for the first time since i was seven, i am actually looking forward to halloween this year.

obviously the fact that i will be spending the ghoulish holiday with three of my best friends in the magical land of boulder, has a lot to do with the increased level of excitement. but then the fact that i get to dress up as this feisty lady, has me seriously counting down the days...

zero nine/twenty-five

this week's favorite things...










does killing time damage eternity?



it takes two to whisper quietly














the hold steady

in a word..

1. favorite accessory: jewelry
2. what do you wear when you're down: heels
3. what do you wear when you're feeling pretty: boy jeans
4. when it's raining: listen
5. what do you sleep in: slips
6. favorite designer: ralph lauren
7. hand bag: evolving
8. jeans: j brand
9. worst fashion moment: bowl-cut
10. mom's style: eclectic
11. your west coast style: sunny
12. your east coast style: layered
13. three places you'd rather be: paris, 2007, your heart
14. your hair: chaotic
15. favorite thing: laughter
16. celebrity crush: gerard
17. favorite color: gunmetal
18. drink: vodka-soda
19. food: chips
20. your dream/goal: published
21. your dream last night: intangible
22. your fear: disappearing
23. where do you want to be in ten years: in love
24. on your wish list: london flat
25. your tv: escape
26. your computer: lifeline
27. your life: hilarious
28. your mood: interested
29. last time you cried: unexpected
30. last time you laughed: today

previously in this so called life...

hello!
mavis here...remember me? i'm that long lost red head friend of you once saw every day! yess well i have not died, though doom did try and overtake me after i got home from the 48 hour jaunt to montrose with the jackson for his 40th high school reunion, leaving me in house arrest for the past two days. but i am much better now, so let's get into the update!!

the basic themes of the past few days are that 9.5 is precious and number four is more confusing now than ever.

so friday i was supposed to go to colorado, but hilariously the jackson had gotten the date of his reunion extravaganza wrong, so friday felt like a treasure that i thought i had lost. so in celebration of the fact that i didn't have to spend the day in a silent car driving across desolation, s and i went to lunch and a movie... you should have been there! it didn't seem completely great without you there! you would have loved it! red butte and the hangover at brewvies! (ps i am for in love with the brewvies guy! not only for the bee that is tattooed on his hand, but also for the fact that he was so precious in telling me they had the gluten free beer when s mentioned that i was the anti-wheat).

i was cracking up through the whole movie thinking of mp and pmac seeing it together. i almost lost it with "fat jesus"!

after the movie i had plans with 9.5 and like the horrible, bad dater that i am i was slightly less than excited about the whole ordeal. that was until i saw him, which is a good sign.

we went to sushi, and he was so sweet. paid, held the door, said i looked nice. it was good.

after dinner we met up with s at her friend's house and i was terrified that the girl mode i was thrown into once we got there was going to terrify 9.5, but he took it like a champ showing only a few signs of minimal discomfort with all the pink drinks and OMGs.

he is sweet, and he does make my knees go weak, but the reality of the situation is he lives in across the country and i'm moving to another continent, so i don't know. it's nice and i don't regret it. but i don't know how our separate realities could ever leave us on the same road towards the future.

so who knows what will happen with that... all i know now is that we have talked every day since last friday and that is nice.

now after that... the trip to colorado was hilarious! beginning with the suggestion from the jackson that we stop at the harley davidson store to look for a leather jacket for. sadly we didn't have success in the leather department, but we did find some slip on sneakers that had to be mine!! get excited for the harley davidson shoes i have added to my collection!

after the glory of the harley davidson store everything else seemed pretty standard until i thought my father had died and then became aware that he might need to be driven home from the reunion. imagine that! the jackson having had one too many drinks get's told my me, little miss mav that i will be driving him back to the hotel. yes well sadly it didn't quite pan out like that!

so the cousin katy and i go out on the town...in montrose...while the jackson and my aunt and uncle crash the reunion (being the jackson, he clearly didn't rsvp to this affair, and my aunt and uncle weren't in the class being celebrated! ) glorious! so while all of that his going on at the hotel motel holiday inn, cousin and i go to dinner, where i am kindly offered the gluten free menu! thank you montrose! and then cousin divulges to me that after five years of living in montrose she has only once stepped foot in a downtown montrose bar! oh this will not do! have you not heard? i am the ring leader in a traveling shit show circus that seems to have stopped in your town! and me, i love bars!

so we pop into belly...the new (damn what did they want it called...) nightspot? well anyway it was the least intimidating and potentially the most entertaining. a.i'm not sure i can remember the last time i questioned what some chick was wearing. and b. there were small children...not little people legit children in the back by the dj and fog machine acting like they were allll up in t he club! it was slightly terrifying!

so we had to leave...

and as it turns out even the ring leader isn't always brave enough so the true glory of what the montrose nightlife has to offer...aka a tiny bar full of dudes and reeking of skol and stale beer.

so in a very out of character move, cousin and i called it a night at 11 pm. but in all fairness so as not to tarnish my reputation... i was concerned that the jackson having escaped the reunion at 9, when i came banging into the room at 11 he would be less than thrilled...or so i assumed.

well so here i am creeping down the hall and quietly slipping my key into the slot only to be red light rejected. so i'm standing there thinking oh jesus dad, if you dead bolted the door and that's why my card isn't working i am going to be peeved! but before i go banging away on the door i try my card one more time and thank you baby jesus it works. so i timidly open the door trying to win the impossible battle against my father's light sleeping habits, when i realize that all the lights are on. umm ok dad, if you're waiting up for me that's creepy. but no he is nowhere to be found. the room is just how cousin and i had left it hours ago. so now i'm thinking that he must be dead because there is no way that he would still be getting down at the reunion. so right as i'm about to start the panicked calling spree, the cousin calls me and tells me that uncle called her and apparently they need help getting everyone home. and she is on her way to pick me back up.

in this epic moment all i can think is how unlikely it is that my father has truly had so much to drink that he can't drive himself home, and yet if that is the case there is no way i could possibly miss such a quality display of awesomeness.

so cousin and i are rolling into the holiday inn to become the fourth and fifth jackson/anderson family members to crash this reunion. and let me tell you- if you ever get a chance to sneak attack such a social gathering- i highly suggest it! it is a fantastic confidence booster!

i am sad to report though that much to the dismay of my entertainment level, the jackson was not at all incapacitated. uncle was, and so were many of the other reunion-ers, but not the jovial jackson who apparently spent the whole night holding court by the overpriced bar.

the whole thing was a priceless moment only made better by the fact that we were there till after midnight and then woke up the next day for a nice slice of the farm life. there was tomato and melon picking, canning and even a slaughtered sheep, complete with the blood stained cowboy who had clearly just done the death deed.

after all that real life... the jackson and i had to get out of there. so we drove home.

then monday i had a questionable date with number four, which is a story for another time i think, but which only brought up more questions based on the fact that while he made all the warm up moves, he never went in for the kill. hand on leg, dim mood lighting, in bed "cuddling," no kiss...


so now in summary: 9.5 is precious and while his kiss is blissful, he doesn't quite fill my heart when he isn't right in front of me.

oh and i've now made out with a member of every branch of the us military...that's fine for the liberal daughter of crazy hippies right?!?

the reunion was hilarious, everyone was shocked to see the jackson which did fill his heart with joy!

i would be a crack up on any farm....*cue green acres theme song now.*

i want a harley

i have no idea what to do with number 4

zero nine/ nineteen

this week's favorite things...
"i feel like i want to slap you with a slap bracelet"

currently getting too much play...

meet me at the equinox...death cab for cutie

paparazzi...lady gaga
the dress looks nice on you...sufjan stevens
i'm alive...kenny chesney and dave matthews
best days of your life...kelli pickler
dead flowers... miranda lambert
good girls go bad...cobra starship
sweet dreams...beyonce
single ladies...beyonce
here i am...lyle lovett
new romantic...laura marling
need you now...lady antibellum
best of me... jason aldean
you don't love me girl...3oh!3
portions for foxes...rilo kiley

47 days till departure...

s and i went to gracie's last night and were the only ladies upstairs and like throwing bunnies into a shark tank it didn't take three minutes before we were surrounded! and oh did we meet some characters!!! another guy from virginia, a guy from missoula (don't worry i fell asleep in a fit of rage right as that location escaped his lips) and then some gorgeous character they were claiming was heath ledger's brother. he was beautiful and me i loved him (obviously) though we are still VERY unsold on the whole ledger sibling situation.

previously in this so called life...

yes there is for sure a need for a rather massive update!!

let's start last wednesday...

i got sneak attack wasted which lead to my entrance into the total blackout zone. and that then brought on a whole array of inappropriate phone calls and facebooking (i am currently working on some sort of puzzle to try and prevent the use of these communication devices in the future when in blackout zone) including but not limited to an fb chat with dull guy and a phone call to number four. i was petrified the next morning when i looked at the call log.... SHIT SHIT i said to myself as i tried to fight back the hangover nausea!! (editor's note... apparently number four and i talked during that poorly chosen moment and he called yesterday and seems fine with my bad decision, so there's that!)

thursday:

god fucked me good for getting so wastie faced the night before! i was so hungover i spent the whole day at work in subtle tears wanting to die. it was terrible...so bad that i went to sleep that night hungover. but before i could escape into sleep... i had to work and can't and i had plans to do something. but i hadn't heard from him since saturday when i rant into him at gracies when i was out celebrating sarah's birthday, so thursday morning i texted him something simple... "hey are you still up to get together tonight." that was nice of me right....yeah well what wasn't nice was that it took him all freaking day to text me back.

so having not heard from him sarah and i decided to go to dinner...wild grape. and while we were there he finally texted me back with a flimsy excuse..."sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you, i was golfing all day. what are you up to?" so i told him i was at dinner and asked what his plans for the night were. he told me his buddy might be having a party and if they don't so that he wants to go out. ok was any of that an invitation to me? yeah i'm still not sure. but so i tell him that i had a rough night the night before, but could still be up to do something. an hour later he texts me back "well i'm out of ideas, so raincheck?" ummm what?? how did that happen. did you throw out a lot of ideas? did i miss something? and why so seemingly hostile can't. well so i replied that might be a good idea and that was the last i have heard from can't.

the rest of that weekend was pretty slow, as i was still recovering from my epically rough wednesday night. so now fast forward to tuesday:

sarah was supposed to go out with the friend of a friend she had met and canoodled with on saturday while doing the chicken dance at octoberfest up at snowbird, but she hadn't heard from him. and after that irritation and grueling day of academics she needed a beverage. and so began the tuesday night rage tradition...

it started as happy hour..."we'll go get a drink...maybe a little something to eat and just relax" yeah but come one who are we kidding.... it's us, so clearly it's in all likelihood going to turn into a hilarious night of debauchery. i am of course the ringleader in a traveling shit show circus!

so off to gracie's we go (at 6:45). we get there and captain jack-o so kindly asks me about my date with can't and then says that he is such a nice guy that if he could- captain jack-o would date him. i think he was trying to be friendly, but i was distracted by the fact that i thought he was reading teenwolf.

once we break away from his awkwardness, s and i go upstairs, take a seat at a table outside, order delicious nachos and start the "relaxation." as a side note! thank you spencer for your "what are you doing there right now?" text message! it's cool... we're just getting the party started on a tuesday night..don't worry about it.

so now the sun is setting and we are about five drinks in...when this fellow walks onto the patio with such a quiet stealth that i forced into thinking to myself "umm hi britney spears put some shoes on! you're out in public!" but then i realize OH.MY.GOD! he is wearing those booties i have been seeing everywhere...ok maybe not everywhere...only at whole foods, but on two different dudes. so clearly i am intrigued by these toe booties...and because it's me, this seems like as good a moment as any to go and get to the bottom of this aqua-socks-esque trend.

now s and i are walking up to the three guys booties guy was with and after a brief hello i just blurted out "soo what the hell is going on with your shoes???" and clearly after a moment like that a strong bond must be forged.

the guys were rather hilarious and interesting enough that s and i ended up hanging out with them the rest of the night. but of course not until dull guy showed up and sent me the creepiest "turn around message." oh yes don't worry i followed the directions and there he was sitting at the table behind me looking at me and creepily waving. it was slightly terrifying. and while it probably wasn't very nice of me to ignore him for the three navy boys, seeing as i had suggested that since s and i were out if he came out we could take care of his going away drink...but what are you going to do?

obviously escaping dull guy meant going to keys on main with the navy boys and then going to meet sarah's boy at the vfw...because why not right?!?! it's tuesday and we should go play beer pong in the creepy basement of the veteran's building. and of course polly nevins should be there!

two of the navy boys stayed behind...claiming they wanted to stay more "local" does that mean downtown?? hmm yes? well so anyway. ben 9.5 came with sarah and i and was hilarious. he had never played beer pong... hilarious! he was freaked out by all the hipsters...funny. and basically revealed that he tends to reside under a rock...fantastic! no but he was really sweet and fun and he and i got along really well. which then obviously means that we kissed in the vfw... so in case you're counting i think that only leaves like 5 salt lake bars i haven't kissed someone in...totally fine!

but the night ends and sarah and i drive 9.5 back to his hotel downtown and then go home. laughing all the way about our awesome tuesday night throwdown! oh and don't worry 9.5 received one of my personal calling cards...literally...he asked for my number and i handed him a card.

so now wednesday (yesterday):

i wake up to a text from 9.5 about how hung over he is...oopsie...sorry! and he continues to text me until he tells me he wants to find a movie theater and i ask him what movie he wants to see and he replies with "whatever you want to see, i was thinking inglourious bastards but i'll see whatever." ohh that was very smooth 9.5! very smooth! and such cleverness must be rewarded...so we plan to meet to see the 3:50 showing of inglourious.

i get there....spot him thanks to the booties and he sweetly opens doors and pays for everything and then as the movie starts asks if we can go get something to eat after. ehh sure i think... why the hell not.

so the movie was funny. he was sweet and i was basically totally content with the whole situation. i like being around him. it's comfortable in a good way and easy in a big way. but now he wants a steak. hmmm yeah... i don't know really where to do... i basically only go to the country club. well so he suggests flemmings and i laugh and say ehh why not. so now imagine this... he's wearing a t-shirt, jeans and the booties. i'm basically wearing the same thing only more festive and lady-like...and sans booties of course! and we walk in the door and i am convinced they are going to tell us they aren't going to serve us wearing what we're wearing but... apparently that wasn't an issue. so there we are... insanely under dressed, laughing through a $150.00 first date dinner.

and now today he has texted me a few times and mentioned last night something about seeing each other tonight but i have to go with the jackson to colorado for his 40th highschool reunion tomorrow, so i don't so much think i will be in the going out spirit. but we'll see...