february's grand epiphany

...regardless of how mr. s treats me in terms of calling and interacting- being with him is insanely detrimental to me, because it has in a way molded my mind into believing that he is all i am worth- that he is the best i can guarantee for myself. i am not strong enough to give so much to someone who isn't boosting me up. that last part- the boosting up part sounds terrible because it's not that he can't make a bad day better, but in the long run he really has depreciated my worth.

i was in the shower this afternoon thinking about this week's date with ferdinand, and it felt so strange to be so nervous, and to feel like so much is riding on one meeting, and then after i ran though outfit options, i got to thinking about what we might possibly talking about, and how important it is that i truly dazzle him, so that he can't go another three or four days without talking to me. the whole weight of my fear doesn't rest on him not liking me, because clearly there is something there that he does like, but almost more that instead of shattering his expectations i might disappoint him (granted this works both ways, but we're focusing on me right now!). this thought train was not on the way to my desired destination, so i had to retrace my steps and find where the tracks switched. that's when it hit me, mr. s has me really believing, in that deep dark place you rarely give words to until you are ready to let it go, that i am only good enough to satisfy a divorced carpenter hoodrat. he brought my comfort level down so low that it's insulting. i don't believe it was his fault- i doubt he maliciously did things to break me down to this point, but i give so much credit to these people that i handed him the sword without either of us knowing it.

things are so easy with mr. s, and we do get along easily and comfortably, but i think that he has in a way retarded me. i'm not growing in all the ways that i want to be. i'm not challenged in good ways, and it's comfortable because we've been here for years- well a year and a half. we know what will make each other smile, or giggle or get upset, how to listen to each other and how to be silent together but those things are easy... it's all that next step stuff, the are you making me a better person stuff, that i think shifts a good relationship into a really healthy one.

i'm not sure if any of this makes sense, or if i have the right words, but i guess the moral of the story is that i don't feel very good about myself only because i don't know how to impress someone beyond first moments (when i believe they're distracted by my hair..or my boobs... or my nose...) who is more impressive a person than mr. s... and while you know i say this with love in my heart for him...it doesn't take much to be more impressive.